There's Only So Much A Heart Can Take
by chelzischmidt
Summary: Logan leaves BTR, and Kendall heart-broken. How will what's left of BTR survive when their leader has given up on life?
1. You Never Really Forget

**Bleh... This is a multi-chapter story since you know I've been posting a lot of one-shots lately...but yeah. I'm dedicating this story to moi bestie** _Wynter-Solstice**. **_**Please don't hate me if its horrible :(**

'Kendall, I need to speak with you.'

Kendall's head snapped up and he saw Logan standing next to his beach chair, fully dressed. He had been writing lyrics in his song book, singing softly and tapping his pencil against the chair handle, so he had probably looked like an idiot, but he didn't care.

'So speak.'

Logan looked around the crowded area uncomfortably. 'Could we… could we go somewhere more _private_?'

Kendall blinked. 'Um..ok… Let's go in a tent, then?'

Logan nodded. Kendall got up and followed him into the tent. When he entered, he saw Logan staring at the ground woefully.

'Logan… what's wrong?'

'Kendall, I'm leaving. I'm leaving BTR,' Logan said, refusing to meet the blond's eyes.

Kendall stared at him in shock before what the brunet had just said was fully registered.

'What? You can't leave! Big Time Rush needs you!' His voice softened. 'I need you.' _I love you._

A tear fell from Logan's eye. 'I'm sorry… but this is just something I have to do.'

'Logan, you can't do this. What is Big Time Rush without you?' _What am I without you?_

Kendall couldn't believe that this was happening. It was at times like these, he hated being the leader of Big Time Rush.

'Remember when I had scarlet fever? And you guys had to practice without me for two weeks? You didn't die then, you probably wouldn't die now.'

_I'll die if you leave me. _

'Logan-'

'Kendall, I'm sorry. But please don't make this harder than it already is.'

Kendall felt his heart breaking. This couldn't be happening, not now. Not right after he was pouring his heart out into song writing, leaving him vulnerable. 'What about the others?'

More and more tears slipped out, leaving wet marks on Logan's face. 'Tell them I love them.'

Kendall hated this. He hated making decisions. He had to ensure that when he made his choices, as a leader, everyone was happy. If Logan left, no one would be.

'Will you be happy?'

Logan met the blond's eyes for the first time since he came into the tent.

'I…I hope so', he said, his voice breaking.

That was it. To Kendall, Logan's happiness meant more than all the other's put together.

'Ok. Only if you could promise me you'll be happy.' Kendall swallowed, unable to breathe properly, there was this massive force pushing down on him that wanted him to slap some sense into Logan.

'I promise.'

Kendall opened his song book and tore out a page. 'And I want you to have this, Logan. I wrote this song when I first met you. But only open it when you reach wherever you're going.'

Kendall hugged Logan, clinging onto him tightly. When he stepped back, Logan was sobbing helplessly. 'I'll- I'll be back, Ken. I promise.'

And with that, he ran out the tent.

…

Kendall opened the door to the apartment; feeling like all his insides had been carved out like a Halloween pumpkin. He felt empty, yet his mind was replaying everything that just happened over and over.

James and Carlos were sitting at the dining table, eating fish sticks. When they saw Kendall, they perked up visibly.

'Hey Kendall! Mrs. Knight and Katie went to see a movie and left us fish sticks. You want a fish stick?' Carlos chirped, oblivious to Kendall's depressed state.

Kendall shook his head and slumped down in his seat.

'Where's Logan?' James asked.

Kendall couldn't help it, his fists clenched, and he was ready to pummel James to the floor for even saying Logan's name.

He took a deep breath and calmed himself. 'Away. He left the band.'

'Oh cool,' Carlos said before he realized what Kendall just said.

'Yeah, he told me. Then he left.' All this talk of the bubbly nerd was wearing him down.

'AND YOU DIDN'T STOP HIM?' Carlos shouted; his face red and angry.

Kendall immediately became mad. When his emotions ran high, it was a bad thing. He stood up, clenched his fist and banged it on the table. 'What did you want me to do, Carlos? Tie him up? Stick him to a chair? It was his choice. I couldn't change it. So don't blame this on me.'

'Kendall-', James began, but Kendall walked away, his hand running through his hair, feeling like a complete idiot. He went to his and Log- his room and sat on the bed. Logan's bed. All of the brunet's stuff had been moved except for one thing- the picture with him and Kendall.

Kendall finally let the flood gates open. He cried and cried. Thoughts of how the brunet had helped him, saved him, kept him sane over the years, everything, just raced through his mind. When he closed his eyes, all he saw was chocolate eyes staring back at him. He couldn't help it. Logan was just the kind of guy you never really forget.

…

James watched Kendall walk away in shock. Logan left? He really didn't expect that. He heard sniffles next to him, and saw Carlos next to him, crying softly. Carlos loved Logan like a brother, and he was going to take Logan's leaving very hard.

But James was more worried about Kendall. The blond looked so lifeless, so pale. He got up, after giving Carlos two pats on the back, and followed Kendall into the room.

He found the blond on Logan's bed, his hockey-player frame wracked with sobs. James was taken aback. His leader, the bad-boy of BTR, looked so… _vulnerable_.

He sat down next to Kendall. 'Hey. It's okay.'

Kendall clung to James as if he were his life support.

'I…I love him… I love him so much,' Kendall sobbed into James' shirt. 'I love him so much it hurts. It should be illegal to love someone so much.'

This was a revelation to James, yet it didn't come as a shock to him. He said nothing back to the blond, instead rubbed circles into Kendall's back, although that position felt so wrong, like he was the wrong person to be comforting him, but he knew the right person was the cause of all this mess.

…

Logan entered his brand new pent house which he had bought with the money he'd saved up. He felt broken inside, but he felt like he needed to get away from Kendall before his emotions took him over.

He'd miss them, but he promised he'd go back, and he'd keep that promise. He remembered the paper that Kendall had given him, which he hadn't touched, although he'd itched to multiple times.

He opened it, and as he read the first few lines of the song, he knew he'd made a big, big mistake.

_Do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder__  
><em>_And your world just feels so small__  
><em>_Put yourself on the line and time after time__  
><em>_Keep feeling inside that they don't know you're alive__  
><em>_Are you out of mind or just invisible_

_But I won't let you fall__  
><em>_I'll see you, through them all__  
><em>_And I just wanna let you know_

_Oh, when the lights go down in the city__  
><em>_You'll be right there shining bright__  
><em>_You're a star and the sky's the limit__  
><em>_And I'll be right by your side__  
><em>_Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me__  
><em>_Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible_

_Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of__  
><em>_Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away__  
><em>_And night after night, always trying to decide__  
><em>_Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd__  
><em>_Do you take a chance or stay invisible?_

_But I won't let you fall__  
><em>_I'll see you, through them all__  
><em>_And I just wanna let you know_

_Oh, when the lights go down in the city__  
><em>_You'll be right there shining bright__  
><em>_You're a star and the sky's the limit__  
><em>_And I'll be right by your side__  
><em>_Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me__  
><em>_Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible_

Logan bit his lip as he read it, wanting to run back to Kendall, wanting to run back into his arms and tell him that he was sorry for leaving. Tears streamed down his face as he remembered Kendall saving him from those bullies in school. Kendall was the one who saw little 'Hortense' sitting in the corner of the classroom. Kendall was Logan's first best friend. Kendall was Logan's first love.

He couldn't help it. Kendall was all he thought about.

**Is it bad? Amazing? Good-ish? ****R & R please :D I'll try not to take forever to update like WMBA. Adios! **


	2. So Alone

**Hehe I just read on Yahoo! that the 10th hottest baby name is Logan :D Eeep... I'd like to thank **_klolo8, TidusGT, CrazyLeex _**for their reviews. **

**Kendall is sooo sad in this chapter :( Please enjoy**

So Alone

Kendall sat up, choking back on his screams. He automatically looked over to his left, to Logan's side of the bedroom, but he only saw an empty bed. There was no one to save him from his nightmares anymore. He was on his own now every night. the very thought filled him with endless horror. When Logan had found out about it, awakened by Kendall's muffled screams, he'd comforted Kendall, who'd broken down and told him everything.

He hated his past, wished he could take it away somehow. He'd always felt that if anyone found out about it, they'd reject him. Yet, Logan supported him, and stood by him. He'd made Kendall feel loved. Unlike...

_His father stood above him, a belt in his hand. Five year old Kendall Knight was couched naked in a corner, sobbing helplessly. The whip descended once more and landed across the small boy's bare shoulders, which was already streaked with thick, red lines._

_'You're the reason,' his father spat in his face. 'You're the reason my wife left me. And you're gonna fucking pay for it.'_

_He whipped Kendall again, smiling evilly when the boy cried out in pain._

_'Get up,' he growled, grabbing Kendall by the neck and hauling him up. The boy whimpered when he felt his cold fingers pressing against his jugular vein._

_He saw black spots forming in the back of his eyes, and his head began to spin. At the last moment, the man let go of him and he crashed to the ground, breathing heavily. _

_'W-why?' he whispered, before the man punched him, making him see darkness for a second. The older man began kicking him, everywhere. _

_'S-St-Stop,' Kendall cried between sobs. Everywhere was aching. _

_'You in pain, sport?' The man smirked, showing off yellow teeth. _

_Kendall nodded, he didn't even have the strength to talk anymore. His back ached horribly, and he couldn't move. But the man didn't have enough._

_He grabbed Kendall and threw him on the table. 'No you're not. Now you'll see what pain _really_ feels like.'_

_Kendall shook his head frantically, but the other man ignored him completely. Kendall closed his eyes, not wanting to see anything anymore. He just wished he could die, so he could get rid of the horrible pain._

_He felt his legs being spread wide open, and then, he felt something by his butt. He scrunched his face in pain, every movement hurting too much. _

_Then it came. The pain when his father shoved his dick all the way inside of Kendall, and the boy screamed in pain. The man was merciless. He pounded in and out, at all the wrong angles, making Kendall scream until he was hoarse._

_'You're a worthless piece of shit. I'll make sure everyone knows that, you little bitch. I'll make sure that no one will ever fucking want you.'_

_Kendall cried, wishing he could end it somehow. He was only five. Why was this happening to him? Finally, he felt something wet inside of him, and he pulled out._

_'Thanks, you little fucker,' he said, patting Kendall's cheek._

_Before he left, though, he pulled out a Swiss Army knife and pierced Kendall's skin with it, leaving a message for the whole world to see. Kendall was just too numb to feel anything anymore._

_With that, he put back on his pants, and walked away. Kendall just lay there, until darkness enveloped him._

Kendall felt tears roll down his cheeks as he recounted that horrible time. When Logan had first heard about it, he held Kendall close, wishing he could take away the pain.

Every night Kendall would be faced with the same nightmare, the nightmare of that time, when his father abused him. He always felt the piercing knife cut into his skin, carving the word 'bitch'. He felt every form of pain that his father inflicted upon his seven times worse.

As memories flooded his mind, Kendall felt the hard sheen of ice that had protected his heart before Logan Hortense Mitchell came into his life, form back slowly. All the resentment that he'd stored for years, that he'd buried deep inside of him, came rushing back like a tsunami wave taking over his mind.

The cage he'd formed around his heart, the cage that he'd locked all his emotions in, the cage that Logan Mitchell had broken open, stomped on, ground to pieces, it was slowly rebuilding himself. He felt hatred boil in his blood.

He flipped his left wrist over, the light scars from years ago, still there.

His father made him feel worthless, he made him feel like he was dirty, like if no one would ever want him.

He still felt that way.

He reached to his nightstand, and even in the moonlight, he could make out his wallet perfectly. He opened it, and took out the blade, the blade that started it all, the blade that he'd vowed not to touch, his promise to Logan.

But Logan wasn't here, now, was he?

Kendall placed it against his pale white skin, but there was a voice in his head that screamed _No!_,but then there was another one, a little stonger than the other, that told him that it would take the pain away.

He knew it would. He knew it too well.

He dragged the blade across his skin, and bright red liquid poured from it, dripping onto his clothes. Cut after cut, he released all his hatred, all his resentment, every emotion he'd stored inside of him for years.

_Stop._

The word tore through Kendall's mind. He looked down at his wrist, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. There were at least seven cuts, all of them bleeding openly. The pain brought Kendall back to reality.

He ran into the bathroom and wiped his hand. He changed his clothes and sat back down on his bed, and stared out the window.

It had felt so good. Just to release everything, but Kendall had let Logan down.

His promise, his bond to the brunet had been broken.

For the millionth time, he wondered why he'd never told Logan that he'd loved him. He always came up with the same answer.

Kendall knew that if he told Logan and he didn't feel the same, he might've killed himself.

His father had destroyed his mind. There was no way someone like Logan could love him.

For the first time in his life, he'd never felt so alone.


	3. All Over Again

**I dedicate this chapter to LaceyDean and Wynter-Solstice.**

**Enjoy! :D**

All Over Again

_'When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.' – _Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer.

Kendall thumbed through the clothes in his closet, looking for something suitable to wear, something that would cover up his arms, which showed the result of his minor weakness the night before.

He pulled out jersey after jersey, but nothing was very appealing to him. Pink long-sleeved jersey? _Hell no. _Yellow shirt? _Too fuckin' happy. _Brown Jacket? _Nope. _

Finally he ended up with something that suited his mood, as well as the color of his soul, a black leather jacket, black jersey and black jeans. He dressed quickly and examined himself in the mirror.

Perfect.

…

The first thing that came to Logan's mind when he awoke was Kendall.

He'd forgotten about the blond's nightmares. He'd forgotten about it completely.

He picked up his phone, and was about to punch in Kendall's number, to make sure he was okay, but he stopped.

To get over someone, you had to forget about them completely.

With a heavy heart, he placed his phone back on the dresser, and cried himself back to sleep.

…

There was something different about Kendall, but James couldn't figure it out. Something had changed about him.

James studied him closely as he sauntered out of his bedroom, wearing his 'bad boy' ensemble, but he didn't bother to ask him anything. He figured that he was probably just getting over Logan.

The three boys and Katie gathered around the table waiting impatiently for Mrs. Knight to get up, because, well, all of them were too lazy to actually make breakfast.

Mrs. Knight walked outside, not surprised to see the four children waiting outside for her.

She took out two boxes of cereal from the cupboard and a bottle of milk, and put it on the table and sat down.

'Aww… no bacon?' Carlos moaned.

'Or eggs? Or toast?' James added.

Mrs. Knight shook her head, and they all groaned in disappointment.

'I bet if Logan was here, he'd make us some- wait, where's Logan?' Katie said.

James saw Kendall's fist clench as the blond said, 'He's gone.'

Mrs. Knight immediately panicked. 'He's gone? Did you call the police? What time did he disappear? Why didn't-'

James butted in, to save her from embarrassing herself. 'No, Mama Knight. He left us. He left Big Time Rush.' _He left Kendall_.

'What?' Katie and Mrs. Knight yelled across at the three boys.

'Yeah, he left and Kendall didn't stop him.' Carlos said.

Katie turned to Kendall. 'You didn't try to stop him?' She shouted. 'You good-for-nothing mother fucker!'

'Katie-' Mrs. Knight warned, but the girl had already run into her bedroom.

Mrs. Knight turned to Kendall, but the blond was shaking his head. 'I don't have time for this. I've got to talk to Gustavo.'

He got up from his chair and walked away. He couldn't take it anymore. Fuck Logan and fuck life.

…

'Hey dogs,' Gustavo grunted when the three boys walked up to him in the studio. 'Kelly went for some corn dogs. When she comes back we'll start recording.'

'Uh hi, Gustavo. We have something to tell you,' Kendall said. 'Logan quit.'

The boys tensed, waiting for some sort of explosive reaction. Instead Gustavo looked bored.

'Logan? You mean the dog that looked like a Chihuahua? Whatever. He couldn't sing or dance anyway. Besides, some scouts are coming in today. We could pick a new-'

He never got to finish because Kendall had punched him in the face. Before he could fall, however, the blond grabbed him by the collar and, using all his strength, yanked him upwards.

'Never say that about Hortense. _Never_,' he seethed in Gustavo's face. He punched him again, and stalked outside.

James looked after him in shock, and then watched Gustavo, as his face turned red, and smoke literally curled out of his ears, and he started after Kendall.

'Carlos, save yourself!' James yelled as he ran in front of Gustavo, down the hall.

'Why?' Carlos shouted back.

'Just do it!' James yelled as he ran out the door.

He turned around and shut the door, and locked it, hoping that Gustavo wouldn't kill Carlos.

He turned and saw Kendall standing, leaning against the building, staring into space, and crying softly. He walked up behind him.

'You called him Hortense.'

Kendall jumped slightly, before turning around and looked at James, blushing, and wiping away his tears.

'Yeah.'

'Why?'

Kendall looked away. 'I loved that name. He hated it.'

James nodded, although Kendall wasn't watching him. 'And why did you let him go?'

'Because I love him.'

Then James realized what was wrong with Kendall. He recognized the difference that he had spotted. Kendall given up on everything; he didn't care what happened to him. Logan was gone, so now Kendall's reason for living was gone too.

And that scared James shitless.

Refusing to think about it, he gathered Kendall in a tight hug, and the other boy clung to him.

'James,' Kendall whispered into the boy's shoulder. 'Do you love me?'

'Yeah… I mean as a friend.' James detached himself from Kendall and stared the blond in the eyes. 'You're an amazing person, Kendall. Anyone would want you. Well, except for-'

'Logan?' The blond said dryly.

'No! I mean me, because, I don't swing that way.'

Kendall smirked. 'Of course you don't.'

'Hey! What's that supposed to mean?'

'You've got your eye on Carlitos, don't'cha?'

James blushed and stared at the ground. 'He doesn't like me back, so I don't even bother sometimes.' He whispered.

Kendall grinned. 'Guess we both got man problems. We're like two teenage girls, dammit.'

James began to laugh. In spite of everything, it felt a relief to just laugh it off. After a while, they were both laughing for no reason at all, just laughing. Sometimes it was great to have friends.

…

'Dogs, these are the five new scouts, who are looking for fame with the amazing Gustavo Rocque.'

Kendall rolled his eyes, but grinned inwardly when he saw Gustavo stay away from him as he pranced around the studio as gracefully as an elephant.

Kendall stepped forward. 'Hey, I'm Kendall, and that's James and Carlos. Can I get your names please?'

After each boy called out their names, Christian, Dak, Dougie, Adam and Alec, Kendall nodded, saying, 'Ok, each of you will sing a song and we'll choose the best. And, uh, no love songs please.'

When each of them were singing, Kendall reviewed them. Christian and Dak had brown hair, brown eyes, then there was Alec, who dressed like a school boy, and Adam who had cute dimples. No way in hell they were getting through to BTR. They reminded Kendall to much of Mitchell.

That left Dougie. _What kind of name is Dougie?_ Kendall wondered, but he didn't care. He was the most un-Logan like person in the entire bunch, he had his unique way of dressing, and he had blond hair, and a bunch of tattoos. Nope. He'd never remind Kendall of Logan.

'So. What did you guys think of the boys?' Carlos asked.

'Dougie. Definitely Dougie.' Kendall immediately said.

…

When Logan finally woke up again, it was noon. He hated waking up so late, it made him feel lazy. He got up, bathed, and changed, then explored his pent house.

It had some really awesome features to it. Walk in closets, humongous pool, even an awesome entertainment room, already completed with multiple games.

When he finished, he ate then sat down and thought about his future.

He honestly didn't know what the hell he was doing. Big Time Rush was his future.

So why had he left?

The answer was simple. He had to get away from the blond before he did something he would regret.

Kendall Knight. Hockey captain, leader of Big Time Rush, best friend to Logan Mitchell, James Diamond and Carlos Garcia, big brother to Katie Knight, loving son to Jennifer Knight. But that was only Kendall's good side.

There was another side to him, the side that only Logan (and somewhat Mrs. Knight) knew about, the side where the blond broke down and cried for hours on an end.

His _emotional_ side.

That was the side he always buried deep inside, the part of his life that Logan knew Kendall always tried to forget.

Logan would always remember the night the blond confessed to him what was going on. The night that they'd both promised so much to each other. The night he'd fallen in love with Kendall.

_Twelve year old Logan lay awake in his bed. For some reason, he could not fall asleep at all. He'd taken a sleeping pill, he'd rolled and rolled on his bed, but he was not falling asleep. He was at Kendall's house, at a sleepover, so his surroundings were foreign to him. _

_Suddenly, he heard a soft noise across the room. Startled, he pulled the covers around him a little tighter. Then he recognized the noise in the form of words._

_'Stop. Please, stop.' Kendall began to cry, in his sleep, then he began to scream._

_But these screams weren't normal, especially for someone who was sleeping alone in a bed. They were the screams of someone who was in extreme pain, and that pain was never ending. Logan became afraid for his friend, as Kendall's voice become hoarse, and his screams died out. Thank goodness Mama Knight had sound proofed Kendall's walls so he could make how much noise he'd wanted in there with his guitar and stereo._

_Logan threw off the covers, and raced over to Kendall's side, shaking him gently awake. _

_'Kendall?' he whispered, shaking the blond awake._

_Kendall__'s eyes flew open. _

_'Oh Logie,' he whimpered and began to cry. He buried his face in his best friend's shoulder and sobbed. It scared Logan to see the blond leader like this._

_When he had calmed down, Logan said to him, 'Do you wanna talk about it?'_

_Kendall nodded, and moved over, so Logan could have a seat on the bed. _

_'So, what's wrong?'_

_Tears poured out of Kendall's eyes, but he just wiped them away. 'Wh-when I was five, my d-dad did bad stuff, to me. He hit me with his belt, and then he r-ra-raped me.'_

_Logan__'s eyes widened in shock and sadness. 'Oh Kenny,' he murmured, holding the crying boy tightly to him. _

_'And he didn't stop! He told me it was my fault that mommy left him, and he whipped me, and he carved- he carved 'bitch' in my side.'_

_Tears were pooling in Logan's eyes. 'He didn't. If he was your dad, he'd never do that.'_

_Wordlessly, Kendall lifted his shirt, showing Logan the scar that was left. Sure enough, 'BITCH' was there, light lines against Kendall's tanned skin._

_Logan began to cry openly, feeling Kendall's pain, but the boy wasn't done talking._

_'Now every night I have nightmares. Of everything all over again. I feel it as if it were now happening. It hurts, Logie.' Kendall whispered. 'Then last year, I began cutting myself, because I'm not good enough for anyone anymore, Logan. It just feels so good sometimes to let go of my pain. Let it all out.'_

_If Logan could cry harder, he did. 'Kendall. You're an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have you, but I need you to make a promise to me.'_

_'Anything for you, Logie, anything.'_

_'Promise me that you'll stop hurting yourself. And I promise I'll be there whenever you need me. If you need me.'_

_Kendall__ nodded. 'I promise.'_

_It was then Logan realized that Kendall was real. He was a real person, with real value. He always put his friends before him. He'd never complained about this aspect of his life to any of his friends, yet when any of them had a problem, he'd be the first one there. _

_Logan may have been twelve years old, but he knew someone worth great value when he saw them. And Kendall was worth everything anyone could ever dream of. He was worth Logan's love. _

Logan shook his head attempting to clear his thoughts of the blond. Instead he thought of his future, again.

He'd go to university, and get a degree in medicine, and then become a doctor. _Then_ he'd go back to BTR.

No, that was too long. One year? He'd die.

Six months, he decided. Six months, then he'd have the strength to face Kendall.

Six months till he remembers why he fell in love with the blond.

Six months till he sees those bottle green eyes again.

Six months, twenty six weeks, one hundred and eighty two days, one hundred and nine thousand, seven hundred and forty six minutes, six million, five hundred and eighty four thousand, seven hundred and sixty seconds.

It was at times like these he hated being a math geek.

Maybe not six months anymore. Maybe four months. Three.

He stopped himself from procrastinating any further. He had to do this. He had to find the strength to stay away.

Three months, he promised himself. Three months, then he'll go back.

**If this chapter was horrible, I blame Wynter-Solstice :)**

**What do y'all think? **

**Love,**

**Moi XD**


	4. Why Me?

**Sorry this is kinda late. I'm a horrible procrastinator... but I hope you like it.**

Why Me?

_All along, I tried to pretend it didn't matter, if I was alone, but deep down I know, if you were gone, for even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn, cause I'm lost without you...You're the only one that knows me, better than I know myself_- Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert

Kendall was wrong. As much as he hated to admit it, he was wrong. His assumption that Dougie was not like Logan was way off.

It turned out that Dougie's real name was Mitchell Henderson. That was Kendall's first mistake.

Apparently Mitchell got his nickname 'dougie' because when he was younger, he loved to dougie- Logan's favorite dance. This was Kendall's second mistake, now, every time he heard 'dougie' he'd think of his favorite brunet singing; 'Teach me how to dougie, yeah, t-teach me how to dougie.'

Kendall wanted to slap himself senseless.

Kendall's third mistake: dyed-blond, unique dressing, tattooed Dougie was an utter and complete nerd. The boy never went anywhere without a book or anything school-related, and did every single homework he got, the night he got it.

And the worst mistake of all. Dougie decided that he didn't want to be blond anymore. How was Kendall supposed to know that Dougie's natural hair color was the same exact shade as you-know-who?

Kendall was screwed. Big time.

…

Logan Mitchell was happy. Maybe not fully happy, but happy nonetheless.

He'd just been accepted into university, and, because of his high grades and excellent marks, he was allowed into an advanced class.

Now, he was celebrating, by himself, the joys of being smart.

If only Kendall was here.

Logan shook his head. He needed the blond to stay out of his thoughts, that is, until he was strong enough again, strong enough to keep him from penetrating his heart.

Kendall.

Just the name was a recurrent thought in Logan's mind. With Kendall came love, compassion, and everything you'd want in a person. Everything you'd want in a friend. Everything you'd want in a _boy_friend.

Logan was afraid to think about him, but as a congratulatory award, he allowed one memory of the blond to seep through. Just one.

_Hortense. What's in a name? To seven year old Hortense Mitchell, everything. _

_His name was the cause of his anti-social life. __And it also explained his situation._

_He was upside down in a garbage can, wondering when the misery in him life would end. Hoping it would end. _

_Suddenly, he was pulled out from the garbage can, by strong hands. As he stood up, brushing his clothes off, he came face to face with his daily savior, Kendall Knight. _

_'Hey,' the blond chirped, as if the brunet wasn't upside down in a trash can, mere minutes before. 'What's up?'_

_'N-nothing,' Hortense whispered. The guy may have saved his life and his dignity several times, but that didn't make him less afraid of the blond._

_A large boy came lumbering up to them._

_'Hey, punk!' he yelled at Hortense, shoving him._

_Kendall jumped in, between Hortense and the boy. 'Don't touch him.'_

_'Or what? You're gonna tell your mummy?'_

_Hortense whimpered and tiptoed __quietly backwards. He was scared to death and Kendall was going to be pummeled to death and it would've been his fault._

_But his fears quickly evaporated as Kendall did a seven year old version of a spinning roundhouse kick straight into the other boy's groin. The larger boy's face turned red and he gripped his crotch in immense pain as he fell to his knees._

_Kendall grabbed Logan's hand and pulled him, running at full speed down the hall, before stopping when the were safely hidden in the middle of a crowd._

_'How..' Logan panted, out of breath, 'how did you do that?'_

_Kendall shrugged. 'My older cousin does karate and I sometimes watch him practice. He even taught me a few stuff.'_

_'That's really cool,' Logan replied._

_'Hey, I want you to stay around me from now on. I don't like bullies, Hortense. From now on, I'll be your best friend. I'll be... I'll be...' Kendall paused as he searched for the correct phrase, then when he found it, he puffed out his chest and put his hands on his hips. 'I'll be your knight in shining armor.'_

_Logan grinned. Maybe school wasn't going to be so bad, after all._

Logan smiled faintly as he remembered that beautiful memory. Kendall had seen him when he was invisible, the little geeky boy in the corner of the room.

Yet he couldn't help but wonder, out of everyone in their year group, why Kendall continued being friends with him.

_Out of everyone, why did Kendall choose to be friends with me. Why me?_

* * *

><p>'Hey Kendall, could you take Katie to her ballet class today? I'm really busy.' Mrs. Knight said as she struggled to hold a large laundry basket in one hand and stir something in a pot at the same time.<p>

Kendall blinked. 'Umm... No. She hates me.'

Mrs. Knight sighed and put down the laundry basket. 'Kendall, it's been over a month and you still completely ignore her.'

Kendall immediately became defensive. 'She ignores me! She doesn't talk to me and every time she watches me, it's with her death glare. And I like living.'

'Go talk to her.' Kendall shook his head frantically.

'She's the only twelve year old that is capable of killing me!'

'Kendall, go talk to her. She's just hurt that you let Logan go so easily.'

'I didn-' Kendall started but stopped immediately when Mrs. Knight gave him her version of the death glare and pointed at Katie's closed door.

Kendall drooped his head dejectedly and shuffled towards Katie's door and certain death.

He pushed the door open. 'Hey Kat-'

He stopped as a pillow came in full contact with his face. 'Hey! What'd you do that for?'

Katie was sitting on her bed, in her pajamas. She folded her arms. 'Why'd you let Logan leave?'

'Katie, it was his choice. I couldn't stop him.'

Katie frowned. 'Then you're a bigger idiot that I thought,' she muttered.

'What?'

'Kendall, of all people, you're the only one that Logan would've listened to. Maybe you wanted him to leave, you goddammned asshole!' She exclaimed, her voice rising steadily. 'Why didn't you stop him?'

'I couldn't. He-'

'You fucking idiot!' She was screaming now. 'Yes you could. But you didn't. Why?'

Kendall closed his eyes and remembered the conversation he had with Logan.

_Will you be happy?_

_I hope so._

Could he tell Katie his deepest secret? She was his sister.

No. Not now. He wasn't ready.

'I- I just couldn't. He wanted to. And I let him.' he whispered, his eyes never opening.

'Didn't you ever think about the rest of us? You just let him go without a thought?'

Kendall didn't have to open his eyes to know that Katie was crying.

'Don't make assumptions Ka-'

'I'm not making assumptions! Logan was my brother, Kendall. He promised me that he'd always be there for me. He wouldn't leave me. He promised.'

Kendall couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy when he heard Katie say that. _Logan was my brother, Kendall._ He quickly pushed it away and focused on the matter at hand. His eyes slid open and saw Katie lying face down on her bed crying.

_Logan, you idiot. First me, now Katie. Who else?_

'Katie-'

'Leave, Kendall. And tell mom I want her to carry me to class today.' Katie said hoarsely.

Kendall fought back tears as he walked softly out the room.

'Mom, take Katie to her lessons, I'm going in my room.' Kendall whispered, and before his mother could reply, he ran into his room.

Kendall lay down on his bed. He had no one left in his life. He felt utterly and completely alone.

Logan abandoned him. Katie hated him. He didn't _think_ Carlos was talking to him. He didn't know Dougie, Dougie didn't know him. James- well James was probably the only one who cared about him right now.

Kendall was always the strong one in the band. He was the leader, the one who had to keep the band together. And yet here he was, moping about his past.

_Get a grip of yourself, Kendall. Get up. Do something about the situation. You're the leader of BTR. Put away any idiotic feelings you have for Logan, man up, and call him, _he chided himself.

He picked up his phone, and punched in Logan's phone number to tell him to get his ass back to Big Time Rush.

His finger hovered over the call button, before he swallowed his feelings and pressed it. The phone rang once, twice, then three times before Logan answered.

'Kendall?' The obvious shock in the boy's voice was easily portrayed.

Kendall blinked for a moment, confused, before he realized that his name would've appeared on the phone.

'Hi, Logan,' he said softly, the intensity of everything weighing down upon him, and hearing the boy's melodic voice again brought back tons of memories.

There was an awkward silence before Logan said, 'So, uh, why are you calling me? And if it's about me leaving-'

'Yes,' Kendall interrupted abruptly. 'We need you back, Logan. Big Time Rush is incomplete without you.'

Logan sighed, and Kendall wished that he could hug him, then beat some sense into him.

'I wish I could. But I've already signed up for university to get a bachelor's degree in medicine. I can't come now. But I can promise you that I'll come back soon, Kendall. Soon.'

'Logan-'

'I have to go, Kendall. I have a class that starts in five minutes,' Logan replied, then, in a softer tone he said, 'I'm sorry, Kendall. I really am.'

'Logan-' Kendall protested, but the other boy had already hung up.

Kendall dashed his phone on the ground and groaned in frustration. He put his head in hands, running his fingers through his blond locks.

The phone rang again, and Kendall looked up, shocked, then dashed for the phone, his heart pounding. Was Logan calling him back? His heart sank when he picked up the phone from the floor and saw his mother's name flashing across the screen. Sighing, he answered.

'Hey, mom.' He said, walking over to the window and staring through it, wincing at the sun's bright rays streaming through it.

His mother yelled something over the phone, but the background was noisy, he couldn't hear a thing she was saying.

'What's that? Mom?'

'Hold on, let me get away from this noise,' he heard her say faintly. Her voice wavered slightly, as if she were crying.

'Mom, what's wrong?'

Then that was it. Two words. Two words were enough for the world to come crashing down on Kendall. Time stopped, and all he could hear was his mother's breathless sobs.

'How? How could this happen?' he whispered, mostly to himself.

His mother was incomprehensible. Kendall couldn't understand anything, but he had heard those two words clearly. And it was impossible. He had to see it for himself. Even God was not so cruel as to do this to him.

'Where are you?'

He whispered a quick 'Good-bye, and stay strong, I'm coming just now,' to his mother after she told him and he hung up.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. _Why do all the bad things happen to me? Why me? _

And all he could hear was his mother's broken voice saying in his ear, 'Katie's dead.'

**Whaaat? Yep, I'm that cruel. Sorry. But what did you think? Please R&R. I'm gonna start the next chapter now. I'm really excited for it :) Hope you are as well :)**


	5. Fear

**Hey guys, sorry for taking so long. My life is bullshit right now so I didn't get time to update sooner. Just wanna say a special thanks to **_MadChile1008_ **for listening to me rant over the phone even though I woke her up and another thanks to** _LaceyDean _**for just being awesome. Also, you probably realized that I changed my username. I blame it all on **_LaceyDean_ **because she begged me, and me being the idiot, listened to her.**

**So, I'm pretty sure some people thought that Katie killed her self. She didn't, I considered it, but no. That'd be too depressing. Anyways, thanks to reviewers for everything. You make my day special ;)**

Fear

_Must I go bound while you go free,_

_Must I love a man who doesn't love me,_

_Must I be born with so little art_

_As to love a man who'll break my heart?_

The Water Is Wide by Joan Baez

* * *

><p>Kendall rushed through the hospital doors, followed by Carlos and James. They ran up to the front desk.<p>

'Katie Knight,' Kendall told the woman breathlessly.

'I'm sorry, but we can only allow her relatives to see her. Not her boyfriend,' She said, a look of scorn passing fleetingly over her powdered face.

'Boyfriend? The girl is ten years. I'm her fucking brother,' Kendall said, annoyed.

The bitch just stared at him and said, 'Prove it.'

Kendall was spared killing her when Mrs. Knight rushed up to him. 'Oh Kendall! You've finally reached!'

Kendall stuck out his tongue at the girl then turned back to his mother. 'Take me to her. I won't believe it until I see her.'

...

Kendall sat down next to his mother. 'So...' He said, not knowing where to begin.

'She's not dead, Kendall.'

Relief washed over Kendall. Yet, 'What? But...'

'I was panicking. I just saw her there and... there was so much blood... and... and... then when the paramedics came, they said she was still alive, but barely.'

Kendall rested a hand on his desolate mother's arm. 'Tell me what happened.'

'I was taking Katie to her lessons, right after you asked me to. I was rushing. I dropped her off across the road and told her to cross, and she did. I made sure she looked left and right then crossed. There weren't any cars. But as she crossed, this idiotic, asshole, bastard came speeding around the corner... and... and' Mrs. Knight began to cry terribly, her words mushing up.

'It h- hit her and s-she was in the air... then landed... and there was a crunch.. and... and...'

Kendall detached himself from his mother as tears streamed down his own face. He walked down the hall, head spinning.

It was all his fault. Everything was his fault. He didn't deserve to be alive. _He_ should've been the one to drop Katie off. He wouldn't have been rushing. He would've crossed the road with her and when he saw the car coming, he'd have taken the brunt of the car blow. It was all his fault. All his fucking fault.

He didn't know how he could live with himself anymore.

...

'Mrs. Knight?'

Mrs. Knight lifted her tear stained face as the doctor came into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.

'Yes?' she got up quickly. 'Is she alright? What happened?'

'I'm sorry. When she landed, her ribs broke, puncturing her lungs, causing blood to fill both her lungs. We managed to pump out some of the blood, but it was too late.' The doctor had a sympathetic look on his face. 'I'm very sorry,' he repeated. 'We tried our best.'

* * *

><p>Kendall stared at his hands in utter shame.<p>

His fault. It was his fault he was in a church at the funeral of his sister's.

She wasn't even his real sister. His mother had remarried when he was seven, and she and her new husband, Tyler, 'made' Katie.

But he treated her as his real sister, he'd taken care of her since she was a baby. Even after Tyler died from a heart attack, he took care of her. Because to him, she was nothing but a sister. He loved Katie with all his heart, he had protected her at school, been the perfect older brother.

And now it had all been for nothing.

If only he wasn't such a-

'Kendall.' James' soft voice broke through Kendall's reverie. 'He's here. Carlos' dad saw him this morning and invited him. Are you going to be okay? Or do you want me to tell him to leave?'

Kendall's head snapped up. There was only one person James could be talking about. Slowly, he shook his head, his mind racing. This couldn't be happening. Fear engulfed his chest like a cold iron fist. Why did life hate him so much?

...

Kendall sat in the front row of the church, staring numbly at the pearl white casket in front of him.

The bishop who stood at the altar droned on and on about life's goodness, while his mother was crying desperately, whimpering for her baby girl.

Kendall wished he could comfort her, but he couldn't. It was his fault that Katie died.

'Kendall Knight?' Kendall looked up as the bishop as he called his name. 'Would you like to say something?'

Kendall got up, and went to the microphone. He took a deep breath, and aimed his line of sight to the casket.

'Katie was my... she was my best friend, my sister, everything that was important in this world. I loved her so much, and it's gonna be...' Kendall risked a glance up, and immediately regretted it. The first person's eyes whom he caught was Logan's, sitting in the back row.

Emotions flooded through Kendall, and he managed to choke out, 'It's gonna be lonely without her,' before running off the stage, and outside, with tears streaming down his face.

...

Logan watched Kendall slowly grace the stage, his heart heavy with remorse.

As the blond spoke, Logan wished that he'd look up. At least once. Finally, he did.

When their eyes met, so much emotions were conveyed, that left Logan's heart racing. Suddenly, the blond took off out of the church, crying.

Logan was immediately concerned. Quietly, he got up from his seat and followed Kendall. He saw the blond in the graveyard, standing a little distance off, under a tree. He was leaning against it, back towards Logan, but even from where he was, Logan realized that he was staring at his wrist.

'Kendall?' Logan said, cautiously approaching the blond.

'I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams,' Kendall quoted, not turning to look at Logan, but continued staring at whatever it was in his wrist.

'Hamlet? Since when do you read Shakespeare?' Logan smirked. He moved a little closer to Kendall, who quickly moved to hide his wrist, but it wasn't fast enough. Logan let out a small gasp. 'Kendall! But... you promised.'

Kendall had had enough. He was exhausted, his sister had died, and his crush was here to torture him, just by his very existence.

'I promised!' Kendall let out a harsh laugh that made Logan wince. 'What about you, Logan? You _promised _me that you'll always be there for me when I need you. Do you wanna know what's the last thing Katie told me? '_Logan was my brother, Kendall. He promised me that he'd always be there for me. He wouldn't leave me. He promised.'_ That's what she told me. It's been going over and over in my head. You didn't keep your promises, why should I keep mine?'

'I-' Logan started to say, but Kendall was on a warpath, his feelings, emotions flowing out without his control.

'You left us, Logan. You left Big Time Rush. You left Carlos. You left James. You left Katie. You left _me._ And it's because of you that Katie hated me before she died. She blamed _me_ for you leaving. Everyone blamed me for your leaving. What they didn't know was that you're a stubborn asshole.' Kendall walked up to Logan, and stared him straight in the eyes. He didn't know what he was saying anymore. He'd lost control of his mouth, his mind, everything. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration and spun around, spreading his arms, and shouted to the entire world who could hear him, 'Tell me, why the fuck did I have to fall in love with someone more stubborn than me?'

Shock spread through Logan. Love? Kendall? What? This couldn't be happening.

'Kendall...' He stepped forward.

Kendall spun back around, finding himself face to face with Logan. Without thinking(which he hadn't done much of in the past few minutes), he leaned down and brushed his lips against Logan's.

Warmth spread through Kendall, zapping him back to reality, and just as he was about to draw away and apologize for being such a dick, Logan responded to the kiss and Kendall couldn't even begin to describe what he was feeling. The kiss turned immediately from passionate to hot and fierce.

Logan couldn't think straight. The kiss was driving him wild. He had to feel more of the blond. He reached up and tugged on Kendall's hair, earning a soft moan from Kendall. But that wasn't enough. He ripped open Kendall's shirt, and slid his hand around the blond's bare waist, bringing his body even closer.

Kendall wrapped his hands around Logan's body. Where Logan's hands were touching him on his bare skin was driving him insane. He detached himself from Logan's lips and reattached himself to the brunet's neck, earning a moan of approval. He sucked and licked, before going straight back where he was before. Where he felt that his lips belonged.

Logan was going nuts. He wanted Kendall. No, he _needed_ Kendall. It felt like he was on fire and Kendall was the last drop of water he had on earth.

The two drew apart for air, and as soon as they parted, everything that just happened came crashing down on Logan. He ripped his hands from around Kendall's waist and jumped back quickly.

'Fuck. Shit. Crap. What the hell was that?' he whispered. His entire body was tingling, his heart screaming with desire to touch Kendall again. Kendall stared down at him, lips red and slightly swollen, and his shirt was wide open, even a few buttons were missing.

'Fuck.' Logan said again, this time more desperately. He needed to clear his mind. This was bad. This was very bad. Where had his control gone? Fear spread through him like a wildfire.

'Logan-' Kendall said, reaching for him, but Logan drew back, and began to walk back slowly away from Kendall.

'I'm sorry, Kendall. I can't do this.'

Kendall couldn't believe it. Logan was doing this to him again. And that kiss didn't help the situation, either. 'What the hell, Logan. You can't kiss me like that and just run away afterwards.'

'I'm sorry,' Logan whispered again, before running at full speed towards his car. He drove to his house at over-limit speed before he pulled into his garage and broke down in tears.

_What's wrong with me? I've been wanting this for so long, and when it finally happens, I run away from it. _Logan wiped his tears and stared out the window blankly.

_I am an utter and complete asshole._

_****_**Hey. Liked it? I'm running high on emotions right now (something which hasn't happened in a long time) so... yeah.**


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